Thursday, April 15, 2010

Need some help !

I need some help for a friend.

I am not even sure if posting this article here is the right thing to do, but if I can somehow help my friend, it might just compensate the guilt of discussing her life without her permission.

I have a close childhood friend. She got married to a guy of her choice (from her community as well, and with the full approval of her parents). Now, the guy locks her up daily before he goes for work, offers no help with anything ... and she's virtually a prisoner.





He talks about how he know best as he is 7 years older than her.


And did I mention they have 2 tiny daughters ? Well, she didn't have much of a choice in that either.


Now, it has reached a stage where she is not allowed to do anything she wants, can't step out of home, and worse, her subconscious anger involuntarily gets directed on her daughter ...


The daughter, though just 3, understands a lot , and asks the father to stop yelling, but he uses this to again yell at my friend.

She wants to see a counselor, but he refuses to.

I want to help my friend .. but I do not know how to. I have tried to get her to summon courage and leave home as much as she can .. but it is so obvious she cannot.


I don't know if my friend is reading this post. But if there is some way she can get some help, I think this post is worth having been published.Things are a lot worse that what I can write here.

28 comments:

indianhomemaker said...

I had responded to your comment on my blog.
Do her parents know about this? And his family? Does he lock the house from outside and go? Who buys the grocery? Doesn't anyone visit them? Do the daughters go to school or preschool?
The man definitely has a problem, there was another such case in the news sometimes back. Does she have access to the TV, phone or the internet?

I hope this does not make it even more difficult for her to get help... does he know you blog?

indianhomemaker said...

It helps our readers to get in touch, if we have an email address. I have created a special email address just for my blog, indianhomemaker@gmail.com

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

Hi IHM ,

Yeah he locks from outside .. I think they do the grocery together .. I am not sure , but I think so ..

One of our common friends tries to visit her when possible ... I used to when I could ...

I dont think he know about my blog. I havent given any info about my identity on my blog (so I assume)

My friend found your site a moral booster , but he doesnt encourage her reading it ...

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

the daughters are with her .. elder one is 3 , and younger one 5 months old.

they dont have many visitors .. her inlaws were always aloof , and so not many friends / relatives to visit them .. her cousins try to visit her .. i used to as much as i could .. she used to ask me always , but i never realised how much she needed me to visit her

kanaguonline said...

this is really shocking Deepa... and whats the reason for her to stick with him if he is treating her like this.... atleast she should fight against this and how he is treating the kids???

horrible...

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

he treats the kids really well ... but he doesn't take care of them (i mean he leaves all the taking care part to her)

She doesnt leave him coz:
1. she has nowhere to go
2. its kinda late for her to restart her profession (she feels so)
3.she doesnt want to hurt any1
4. she doesnt want her kids to grow up w/out their father

indianhomemaker said...

She doesnt leave him coz:
1. she has nowhere to go
= Can she live like this all her life? This is unlikely to change.

2. its kinda late for her to restart her profession (she feels so)
A friends of mine re-started her job after several years of gap, I know she can do this. This is something she should simply put her foot down for. She must get out of the house, meet more people, earn some money... she would be able to see the whole thing with a fresh perspective better if she works and earns.

3.she doesnt want to hurt any1
She would be hurting her children and herself if she continues the way she is right now.

4. she doesnt want her kids to grow up w/out their father
Children should grown up in a happy environment where they see two adults at home respecting each other. Growing up watching their dad controlling their mother like this, is not healthy for any young child. They will grow up much better, if they either see their mother firmly negotiate her terms and make a career for herself, or if they see her walk out of this marriage.

Alternatively she could pick a job in another city and ask him to visit her whenever he gets a break, he might join her (seeing how he is) or he might divorce her, but maybe he will accept the idea of visiting her...
But before all this he is going to do everything he can - and that might include violence, to stop her. So she does need support.

She can visit her grandmother, say she isn't well and needs care, apply for a job from there and quietly leave for another city.

Men are also known to make a scene in their wife's work place, so she should think before letting any relatives accept the very close ones know where she is working. I am just trying to discuss the possibilities, I am aware that she may not even wish to look for a job.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

IHM,

oh .. she does want a job, but is not sure how to walk out right now ... she keeps saying if not for the kids, she'd have done so .. no use in considering such a scenario now, but still ...

I no longer know how to help her except listen to her and try to get her to be strong and do something .. I cnat physically force her to get away etc

Anonymous said...

Be there for her Deepa like you were there for me ( and you didn't even know me!) She will gather enough courage eventually to bring about a positive change in her life.
Will keep her in my prayers.
Hope you doing heaps better.
Take care.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

2 Anony

Inshah Allah!

This has been going on for a few years now ....

How are you doing ?

Anonymous said...

I'll survive.....gotta admit my problems pale in comparison to your friend's.
You didn't answer my question though; how are you coping? Not being inquisitive....

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

2 Anony

I do not know how to answer the qn ... I know at the moment, I am not happy , if that's what you mean ... and I know I am still hoping ... but, there are some practical things to be done .. and like I told my friend, if I not do them, no-one else is going to do them for me ... So, I force myself to complete the assignments I have to ... And I force myself to talk to people around me, though I don't want to ...

But above all, I am just blindly hoping and trusting in the Higher Power :) .. I know I have done my maximum to salvage things (even if it now no longer seems to be sufficient) ... I have let myself been insulted by people who should not have done so, and the people who should have prevented it couldn't stick up for me ... So, now, I feel I should step back ...

Anonymous said...

Hmmmm.... I completely empathize with the bitterness you feel. Trying to purge myself of the feeling too by completely submitting to God's will. At the end of the day, to quote Eleanor Roosevelt,"If someone betrays you once, it’s their fault; if they betray you twice, it’s your fault." You are taking steps to ensure that the fault will never lie with you and noone will fault you for that!
Chin up girl!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

2 Anony :

It is not even that ... I did feel betrayed a couple of times, but I put up with it all ... but when I started to have to fight people who were not even a part of my life, it became too much ....

in a way, when i look at it , i feel i should be more tolerant and forgiving, but will it change anything ?

Anonymous said...

"....should be more tolerant and forgiving."
Of what? Someone's betrayal and having to justify yourself to people who are not part of your life!? As temptingly saintly as that sounds....no way Jose!!!! Forgiveness by all means but not in the sense of giving them an opportunity to betray you again; rather, putting this experience behind you having learnt a valuable lesson.

By the way, I'm pretty good at waxing eloquent as you can see but I do appreciate the hell you're going through, believe it or not!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

see , no1 wull call what i call 'betrayal' betrayal .... i might feel it is betrayal, but from some1 else's view point, it is 'moving on with life' .. so what i feel an injustice 2 me will not be echoed by any1 else ....

and if i just cut off all commn like this , its rather sad .. i feel .. but i do not want to let people go on hurting my soul

Anonymous said...

That's perfectly natural isn't it? Everyone has their own perspective. The point is, one has to stay true to one's value system and oneself. At the same time accept that others may not share the same values as you. So be true to yourself and expect nothing from anyone. It's a tricky balance to maintain I admit...but then who said life was a bed of roses?!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

true .. true ...
but at the end of the day, who is the one hurt ? And who is the one to whom it matters a great deal ?

And does it show I am stupid ?? Hmmm...

Srijith Unni said...

Deepa, this is really shocking..!
Doesn't your friend have brothers/ her parents who can talk some sense into this man.!If not, I would encourage you co-ordinate with a group of friends and confront this person. I agree with IHM, it sure does not look like it will get better with time and not a very good environment for children to grow up.!

I live in bangalore, and if necessary would be glad to help.!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

her parents are in the middle east, and brother much younger.

and how to help her ? thanks for the offer .... but i'm also scared to interfere and take an action w/out her knowledge coz it might affect her

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....While the answer to the first two questions is, "you"; I would ask myself,would I prefer the hurt of losing a 'friend' which may seem all consuming right now but will in time, abate or the abject disappointment of compromising my principles?

I understand it's very easy to come up with these pearls when one looks at a situation objectively and an entire different kettle of fish when one is bang in the middle of it.
Been through similar situations in the past.....have very few friends but they're as pure and solid as gold!!!!

To your third question...what it shows is someone who is willing to stand up for what she holds dear....and that says a lot! Kudos to you!

starry said...

Deepa I was really disturbed and sad after reading this post.I think your friend needs help .as much as I believe in staying with your husband,I think she should be thinking of the welfare of her children,it is not a good environment for them to grow up in and also they are sensing their mothers fear.The man needs help but few men believe they do, its always the other persons fault.I definitely think her family should get involved and help her get out of this situation.

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

2 Anony :
Thank Anony !! But in addition to the disappointment of losing a friend , there is also the feeling of giving up on a friendship .. and then, when i think objectively, even my friend could take the steps to patch things up .. why me alone ??? Of course i did say, 'this friendship is as good as gone' when talking to my friend

2 starry :
Am doubtful if my friend would agree to leave however much she wants to

Just Words said...

I am no expert in this matter , but all I can say is this guy needs serious counseling. And it has to come from some elder in his family or elders in his community to whom he looks up too, Understandably ur friend is apprehensive of leaving him and intimidated by him to bring up the topic but atleast girls family should take up her cause and get someone to talk to him. If nothing else works they should think of taking legal action before its too late

Deepa said...

Hi. Came over to your blog following your comment on mine. I'm really shocked to read this. Locking up a person against their will is a criminal offence to the best of my knowledge. You might consider consulting a family lawyer or a women's support group. They would know how to handle this situation. They could help your friend find a safe home for herself and her children. I do not think counseling is going to be of any use. He's obviously mentally disturbed. You can also consider informing people at HIS workplace about how he's behaving with his family. It may not lead to any action, but can shame the guy into being more careful about his treatment of his family. But I would go for the first option. Talk to the police or a family lawyer.

Titaxy said...

Oh my god. This is so shocking, so sad. I don't even know what to say. She needs to get out of that relationship...this is just not acceptable. She can't put up with this all her life...hope she finds the courage to leave.

Pixie said...

Hugs!!
This is so so sad and frustrating...
Please keep talking to your friend... give her hope and make her realise that she needs to walk out now.
Does she have parents/relatives/friends she can stay with?
She needs to plan that properly and leave..
Her daughters are being hurt...

I really hope that she walks out... I know how saddening it is when they stick to such a marriage and you, as a friend is pwoerless to stop her.

I hope she is reading all this and trying - really trying to get out.
She shouldn't worry about hurting anyone! For no one will help her when she gets hurt and she needs to make up her mind and move out...

Hugs to u too! You are a great friend...

Swaram said...

Her daugters need a father ...but more than that, they need a happy environment to grow up in. And she is def. nt hurting anyone by moving out. If anybody gets hurt in the name of society etc..., they hv a problem .. its nt her. I think some of u friends and family should try to discourage him from locking her up and try to take her out from there. He hs to realize he can't be like this if he needs a life with his wife and kids!!!